Cheating. You did it, or it was done to you.

You have found out about the affair. You are furious, frightened, and bewildered. You never thought it would happen to you. Perhaps you had suspicions, but didn’t allow yourself to look further. But now that you know, you have to face it. Or, you might be on the other side – you have been found out. You are embarrassed, nervous, and quite possibly angry yourself. You want to save your relationship, but are unsure of where to start.

For a couple trying to rebuild from infidelity, there are many, many things to work on. There is a lot to process. Many relationship experts would agree, however, that there are four key steps to recovering from an affair:

1) Put it out there. This is directed to the person who cheated:  It is vital to finally be truthful. You need to answer every question your partner asks about the affair, fully and completely. Now that the affair has been discovered, it is time to stop hiding. The betrayed spouse is now going to check-out, investigate, and cross-reference everything that you say. If you continue to tell half-truths and minimize the nature of the affair, the truth will dribble out a little more each day. As this happens, your spouse will feel betrayed over and over again. It will become near impossible to rebuild the trust. Just put it out there – all of it – right now.

2) Take responsibility for the damage. This is mainly for the cheating spouse, but the betrayed spouse has a role in this also. For the cheating spouse, it is important for you to acknowledge the hurt that you have caused. Perhaps there were reasons for the affair, but that doesn’t change the fact that you have severely damaged your committed relationship. Acknowledge the magnitude of your actions. For the betrayed spouse, it is important to demand that your partner take responsibility for his/her actions. Don’t play the martyr. They chose to have the affair. Don’t let them off the hook by blaming yourself needlessly.

3) Be accountable. To the cheating spouse, you’re in a bad spot now. Your partner doesn’t trust you anymore, and you can’t blame them. You lied. If you want to rebuild the relationship, you need to be accountable and transparent. That means giving your spouse e-mail passwords, access to your phone, credit card bills, your wallet, and anything else that they ask for. For as long as they ask for it. Relationship trust isn’t rebuilt after one billing cycle. This could go on for months or years. Yes, you will feel like you are under investigation. You are. If you are truly re-committed to your relationship, be an open book.

4) Re-invest in the relationship. An affair is not a legitimate way to deal with relationship problems. However, the revelation of infidelity forces the couple to face their issues. Both partners need to take a hard look at their relationship behaviours and how they can improve things. The relationship needs to be a priority now. This may mean putting other commitments aside to focus on rebuilding trust and connectedness.

 

Kicking Out Your Kids

Motherlode (New York Times) has an article today about a mother who is thinking of kicking out her 18-year-old son. According to the article, the young man is neglecting his studies and will not graduate high school. He has no plans for upgrading, post-secondary education or finding a job. He prefers to spend his time texting his friends and playing video games. Sound familiar?

I don’t believe in forcing your kids to move out just because they are age of majority. I also believe that if children have goals and are actively working to achieve them, then they deserve all of the support that you are reasonably able to provide.

However, many people are dealing with adult children who act like little children. They want instant gratification and do not consider consequences.  This kind of behavior needs to be actively discouraged with adult children. This means that you don’t replace the iPhone that they carelessly lost. This means that you don’t give them extra allowance when they spent every dime already. This means that if you have given them many chances, and they blow it every time, you stop cutting slack.

If you have an otherwise competent adult child who refuses to earn a living or plan responsibly for their future, you have to take action. If it means kicking them out, so be it. These immature behaviors will likely continue until they are faced with adult realities.

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/04/27/kicking-your-child-out/

Happy Wife, Happy Life

You have probably heard the phrase: “Happy wife, happy life.” The idea is that the wife/mother/woman is the heart of the household, and if she is unhappy, then so is everyone else. Is this true? I’d say so.

This is certainly an important fact for men to know. However, I think it is more important for women to take this to heart. It is important for women to know that, save a few exceptions, the men in their lives want them to be happy. Most men know that if their spouse is happy, their own lives are infinitely better. Therefore, they are willing to do a lot to make that happen.

It is important for women to ask the men in their lives for what they need. They should be clear about what will make them happy. It is best to express these needs in specific terms, as opposed to vague requests. Here some ideas for phrasing your requests:

- I would like you to empty the dishwasher before breakfast. (NOT: I need more help around the house.)

-When I ask you to discuss something with me, it is important that we sit down together to talk, with no distractions. (NOT: You never listen to me. All you do is watch TV.)

- I would like to sit down and come up with household rules we can agree on with the kids. (NOT: I’m tired of being the bad guy.)

- I would be really happy if we could set aside one night a month to go out as a couple, and if you could arrange the babysitting. (NOT: You never do anything romantic for me.)

Divorce: Tips to Help Your Kids (Ages 5-8)

1. A cooperative relationship between the parents is associated with the best post-divorce outcomes for children.

“Mom and Dad will always make sure that you are taken care of.”

2.  The child needs to feel that each parent respects their relationship with the other parent.

“The time you spend with Mom/Dad is very important. They love you very much.”

“I will take you to the mall and help you to pick out a birthday gift for Mom/Dad.”

3. A child needs to know that the separation/divorce is not their fault, nor is it their responsibility to fix the situation.

“Mom and Dad decided not to live together anymore and that was our decision. It is not your fault.”

“Children do not cause divorce. Sometimes, moms and dads decide to live in separate houses.”

“You do not need to worry about what Mom and Dad are saying to each other. We will always work together to take care of you.”

4.  A child cannot bear the burden of caring for a parent emotionally. Although the majority of parents are struggling after a separation/divorce, they need to be very careful about leaning on a child for emotional support. Adults need to rely on other adults. It is OK for a child to see that the parent has feelings, but the child needs to feel that the parent is in control of those feelings.

“Everyone is sad sometimes, but you do not need to worry about me.”

“There are lots of people for Dad to talk to. My job is to take care of you.”

“I am going to call grandma to talk for a few minutes, and then I will come back and play with you.”

5.  The parent should always show acceptance of their child’s feelings.

“I know you don’t like the new house. It is a big change.”

“It is OK to tell mom/dad if you are angry. I will always listen to you and we can talk about it.”

“You wish that mom and dad could live together again. I know it is hard to have us in two separate houses. Even though we live in different places, you will always get to see both of us.”

6.   Reassurance, Reassurance, Reassurance – Words. After the separation, your child needs to have their sense of security restored. They need to be assured that they will continue to have access to the people that they love. They need to know that they will be taken care of. The comments children make are usually disguised bids for reassurance. You may have to tell them the same thing several times before they stop asking about it. It is normal for child to ask the same question repeatedly when they are seeking reassurance.

7. Reassurance, Reassurance, Reassurance – Time.  A separation or divorce causes children to worry about parental abandonment, or that the parent/child relationship will never be the same again. By spending time with children, you reassure them that they can still have a strong relationship with both parents. It is important to invest more time with your children as they adjust to the divorce. This is often a challenge for parents, as they are themselves preoccupied with divorce related issues. This is why it is crucial for parents to develop a strong support system and coping skills, so that they can be available to their children.

Children of this age often express their feelings through play. It is important to devote extra time to playing with children in a non-directive way. This is valuable because it allows the child to regain a sense of control in the appropriate forum of play. Moreover, it gives parents a sense of what their child is feeling and thinking.

The Baby Sleeps Through the Night, But We Don’t

I have a vivid memory of an infant care website that I read while I was pregnant. The expert was asked if, once you become parents, would you ever sleep through the night again? The answer was no. That was a profound answer – so simple, so direct, and so true.

The expectant parents’ impending sleep deprivation is the stuff of jokes and knowing smiles. We rightly assume that there will be many sleepless weeks, even months. We also assume that once the baby sleeps through the night, our own sleep will return to its regularly scheduled programming. That assumption – simply, directly, and truly – is wrong.

The quality and quantity of your sleep is permanently compromised, and I don’t think it matters what kind of child you’ve got. There are a thousand ways that parenting will forever disrupt your sleep. These include, but are not limited to:

- You worry that the child will wake up.

- Every sound in the house sounds like a baby, and your ears are more perked than a double espresso.

- Your child really does wake up a lot.

- Your child considers 6am to be sleeping in.

-  You are so busy now that you are going to bed way too late.

-  You are so tired now that you are going to bed at 9pm, and waking up at 4:30am.

-  You just read a new parenting book before bedtime and are now wide awake, convinced that you’ve got it all wrong.

As a parent, you suffer from on-call syndrome. You could be called upon to act at any time and live in a constant state of low-level alert. Thus, it is much harder to relax and to remain that way. Parents will continue to wake multiple times a night, even if there is nothing to get up for. You have to keep telling yourself that everything is fine, you’ll hear something if it’s important, and that you should go back to sleep, dammit. You need to re-learn how to sleep.  Perhaps sleep training for Mom and Dad is an untapped market. With all of the things that new parents are warned about, like diapers, tantrums, and the PTA, this enduring problem is seldom mentioned. So, I am putting it out there for all of those who already know the truth, and for the rest who will find it out. The baby eventually sleeps through the night, but you don’t.

To end on a proactive note, let’s discuss strategies to manage this perpetual problem. How do other parents manage to get enough rest?

Sorry, no quick fixes

This is an ironic post, given the namesake of this blog. The purpose of this blog is to provide self-help information in an easy to digest, bite-size format. But, as everyone knows, the solutions are easier to describe than they are to live. The bottom line: There are no quick fixes.

As a therapist, I have met many clients who want immediate results. This is an unrealistic expectation that sets one up for failure, which continues to fuel the belief that “nothing works.” As most problems have developed over years, sometimes decades, you cannot expect resolution in a few weeks. You commit to the process of change, and inch by inch, you see results.

We live in a very fast-paced society. But, human problems still tend to be slow to solve. The best thing to do is to face problems in the earliest stages, before they become unmanageable. Write down the specific changes you want to see. Ask yourself: How would I like things to look in 6 months? Yup, that’s right, I said 6 months. If you are trying to improve a marriage, your parenting, or other aspect of well-being, that may be how long it takes to see measurable change.

Coping Thoughts

A key to feeling and doing better is to practice coping thoughts. It is difficult to think of failing at an experience (a self-defeating thought) while concentrating on doing one’s best, regardless of the outcome (a coping thought).

Here are some examples of coping thoughts to use before a situation occurs:

“I’ve done this before, and it is never as bad as I think.”

“Stay calm in anticipating this.”

“Do the best I can. I’m not going to worry how people will react.”

“This is a situation that can be a challenge.”

Here are some coping thoughts to use during a situation:

“Focus on the task.”

“Just think about what I want to do or say.”

“What is it I want to accomplish now?”

“Relax so I can focus on the situation.”

“Step back a minute, take a few deep breaths.”

“Take one step at a time.”

“Slow down, take my time, don’t rush.”

“OK, don’t get out of control. It’s a signal to cope.”

After a situation, use some positive self-statements to congratulate yourself for getting through it. Some examples: “I coped well with that,” or “I managed that all right.”